Blog • The Third Zone

Finding Ways to Have Difficult Conversations at Work and the Payoff!

In order for someone move from where they are in their job or career to where they want to be, it often

requires that they have serious conversation with another person in that organization be it a boss or co-worker. The serious part is the easiest part for one knows what concerns and bothers them and what they need and would like to do to make the needed change.

It is having the actual conversation itself that is often the real challenge. In fact, to some it is so difficult that it’s simply not held. And … that means that if we can’t find a way to address things that we see as important, critical or necessary to ourselves, our careers or the organization, we are stuck. Stuck is not a place of any value and underlies much of the unhappiness and frustration that is experienced by many.

Here’s what I know. Help is on the way. And the good news is that one doesn’t need to look fa change note r to find it as it resides within us. I know that there are things we can do that both prepare and enable us to address the issues that have thus far held us back in an unproductive way. Consider these steps:

Become clear in your own mind as to the issue that needs to change
Knowing what needs to happen in clear terms enables us to convey it to another/others.

Become clear as to the reasons the change is needed and the benefits to the organization, department or team
In order to sell your reasoning to others they will need to see and understand the advantages this will provide in terms of reaching your intended goal.

Outline the points of your presentation in a clear and concise manner in preparation for your conversation.
This enhances the ability to stay on topic which is important so that you don’t lose your listener. Staying on message is critical!

Anticipate that your audience may have responses you didn’t anticipate and be prepared to actively listen to them.
This will not be a one-sided conversation. Your listener(s) will also want to be heard You are wise to expect this and know that they may well respond with their own frustrations and this is often a step toward needed dialogue.

Respect your listener’s right to respond as they see fit
Being open-minded is going to have a big part in your success in achieving your intended goal.Expecting a certain response to your input potentially dooms desired progress.

As a means of understanding ‘their’ position, ask the other person(s) questions
It will be important that you and they know you have understood their issues and any points of concern. Such information might lead to some modification of your intended goal which can do much to bring about the success you desire.

Recognize that change often isn’t accomplished in one attempt.
Your initial attempt can serve as an ice-breaker leading to further conversation and consideration after all have had the chance to digest and think about what they have heard.

What is important is that we don’t allow ourselves to fall into a trap that can ultimately take us or have us remain in a negative place. Tackling any issues that you see as critical to your own career and advancement is a skill to be developed and utilized. Going over the edge into a zone of discomfort is often uncomfortable when initially done. By taking the challenge head-on we soon master a method that will serve us well for the duration of our career specifically and life in general. The results you want to achieve are yours for the taking! Really!
Mike Dorman

The Goal Changed and You Weren’t Told? Oops! Suddenly You’re On the Wrong Bus!

My last blog pertained to being thrown under the bus and how to deal with that. (You Got Thrown Under The Bus?) This time I want to address another issue that continues to rear its’ head in business organizations. What happens when you are diligently doing your job as related to an announced goal for the company, department or team and suddenly the goal has been changed without you being told? As buses go, you find yourself on a bus … however it is suddenly the wrong bus headed in the wrong direction. Have you ever experienced or witnessed this? Chances are you have and it’s a complaint that I have heard often coaching in various organizations.

There are 3 key sources of the changed goals.

The ones sitting at the helm of the company … often referred to as those in the ivory tower. Too often they appear to make decisions based on their perception of
things at any given moment. Although their intentions are for the good of the organization, they tend to alter the plan without consulting with those involved in more of a front-line role. If they did do so … and listened … their ultimate decision would reflect the reality of a situation and avoid what otherwise seems to be an arbitrary change.
A manager who just wants to keep you on your toes. As self-centered and wasteful as this may sound, it is real. This manager considers it to be a way to keep reports alert and flexible. It is also a way of wasting money and resources.
A person who just didn’t see a big difference. As such, they don’t communicate any changes to the plan or goal because in the big picture sense, it hasn’t changed that much. However, because they aren’t dealing with the detailed elements related to the goal they’ve made an assumption that undoubtedly causes frustration and wasted time/money.
A person who is constantly changing his/her mind. This person just can’t seem to make up their mind as to how or when to do something. As one trying to carry out their contribution to the project it is simply infuriating. This is not necessarily the intent of the mind changer … rather just the way they operate having to do with their own inabilities.

Altering the direction and goal of any effort brings with it reactions that are anything but positive. Here are some of them:

Extreme frustration – All of us ideally want to leave a day’s work feeling that we have accomplished what was expected as well as what we intended to do. To find out that we are suddenly traveling on the bus headed in a wrong or altered direction is exasperating for most people caught in this situation
A desire to leave the job – This is especially the case when this has happened previously and is just the way that the one in charge operates. People are less inclined to excuse this happening especially when there is a pattern of this being some sort of ‘norm.
Developing an ‘I don’t care’ attitude. And of course, this loss of positive energy and effort is a virus that can bring about the undoing of most any effort.

Before you would give into any of the above reactions I believe there are some things we can do that just might alter the situations you encounter and return calm, enthusiasm and productivity to your work. They are …

Get detailed clarity about the announced goal. Rather than think you understand, verify your understanding by asking detailed questions. Truly aim to understand the big picture of where you are headed, the long-term goal and your specific role in achieving that. Do NOT presume that you understand and avoid questioning.
Put your understanding of the goal in writing. Reiterate where you believe it is headed and your role in achieving it. Ask for definitions of terms used to describe the goal (what does ‘step it up’ mean?) and make sure you understand how this fits into the overall aim of the company, team or department
Help the one in charge understand how you intend to work to do your part. Often times onebelieves that if I can see you I know you’re working. If I can’t I get concerned that you are wasting time. However, if the nature of your part in achieving the goal requires that you move around in some form, the boss needs to understand that and the reasoning behind it. In that he/she has not done your specific job, it is safe that they don’t really understand how it is best achieved.
Let the ‘leader’ in on how you intend to approach your job as related to the goal. Frustrating to many overseers is not understanding the details of how you will accomplish your goal related tasks. Don’t presume that they don’t want to know. Ask them to listen to your approach and invite their questions and comments if they exist. In doing so you are getting their buy-in to how you intend to do the job. This tends to raise their sensitivity to making arbitrary changes that could throw you off base.

The message here is that we do NOT have to tolerate or accept the lack of clarity and understanding that can having us riding on a bus going somewhere other than where we should be headed. If we expect our leader to make changes that suit us we may have a very long wait when left up to them. However, by refusing to settle for situations that create frustration and dampen our enthusiasm and energy toward the job, we may have found the way to create a winning situation for all. Now that’s leadership!
Mike Dorman

You Got Thrown Under the Bus? What Are You Going To Do About It?

In business there have always been those who seem ready, willing and able to throw someone under the bus. It might be …

caution under bus sign

• A boss wanting to exert their power and who perhaps feels threatened by a report
• A co-worker who sees themselves in competition with another for the next promotion or raise
• An employee who is resented by another for the attention and recognition they receive from others in the company

Clearly, it is a form of bullying on the adult level. There is nothing pleasant about being under that bus. It’s often painful and damaging. It has caused many to leave their job, retreat into some cocoon almost to a point of being reclusive and/or have the one ‘throwee’ lose their energy and enthusiasm for the work they do and the organization for which they work. None of these reactions offer positives.

Still you have a choice as you emerge from under the wheels. What could one possibly learn from the experience that will help her/him move forward in a productive and positive manner and ultimately be the winner? Here are some thoughts and ideas for you to consider that can turn this unwelcome and uncomfortable experience into a valuable step from which we learn and potentially minimize the impact it can have on us as well as the chance that we will ever experience this again.

Learn from whatever the situation.
- What created the situation to begin with?
- In replaying that, what do you know you could do differently going forward that minimizes this happening in the future?
- What could or would you change in whatever you did that leaves less room for misinterpretation and thus less chance of getting to know the underside of a bus?

Make a serious effort to maintain a positive outlook and attitude.
- Although not always easy it allows us to have the upper hand in terms of what we do about it
- Reflecting a person who has not allowed the incident to ‘get to us’ and thus allows us to walk around indicating that we have the upper hand and defy the reaction that another may have wanted to bring about.
- Giving into our emotions takes us afar from our ability to think clearly and logically. The attitude we hold keeps us where it is to our advantage to be.

Find an ally to whom you can vent your frustration.
- We’re human and thus being the ‘throwee’ is frustrating and even hurtful. Find someone that you trust and to whom you express your frustration and even anger. It will help you to maintain your public positive spin and outlook which is key to turning the experience into a positive.

Guaranteed … others are watching and observing your reaction
- Operate as if you knew you were being seen and being watched for how you handle thesituation because chances are that is the case.
- Maintaining your cool and being able to employ logic and reasoning is the path to turning your ride under the bus into a learning adventure to your benefit
Confront the ‘thrower’ privately and with curiosity
- Having a one-on-one with the person who put you under the bus is the opportunity to hear and understand whatever logic that person had for what they did to you.
- Most often we don’t understand why whatever happened … did happen. In having yourconversation just be curious rather than angry. You will achieve hearing the other’s logic and reasoning as a prelude to responding.
- In expressing yourself in this conversation focus on the issue rather than making personal attacks on the individual. To do otherwise is to simply shut down good communication and thus, the ability to understand and resolve any issue.

In a general sense, being thrown under a bus just doesn’t feel right. The one inclined to do that is
often insecure in their own position and uses this tactic as a means of exerting their perceived power and influence. It says much more about them than the recipient of their effort. Still, there we are under some victim victor sign bus. The immediate drive is to extract ourselves from this uncomfortable and somewhat suffocating circumstance. Just how we do that will and can have a huge impact on us … as victim or victor.
Mike Dorman

Unintentionally Acting In Ways At Work That Reveal An Inferiority Complex

It is safe to say that all of us, especially when executing our work role, desire to demonstrate how capable we are. We realize that this and our contribution to the organization’s success will influence our personal success, growth and advancement. And yet, one puzzle that is rather frequently expressed is the reason

ostracized from group

that the boss, the co-worker or our team member seems withdrawn from us. The result is our having a limited interaction and a true sense of involvement in what’s going on around us. In other words, what might we be doing that conveys an inferiority complex rather than a person who is confident and valued by others?

Certainly this is frustrating and comes to be seen as a handicap to achieving th

e very success and recognition that we strive to receive. Because this is an issue seen with regularity, it warranted some research as a means of identifying what are the things one might be doing to create the exact opposite reaction of others to us and thus, become a stumbling block to the collective and individual success goals we have?

Terina Allen of the Ardis Institute provided a good summary of behaviors that highlight rather than hide one’s insecurities. Doing them may just cause one to ‘seem’ inferior with the negative impact of stalling one’s career. They are as follows:

You offer help but never ask for it.
Why? Because you are convinced that this makes you look weak and are afraid of being vulnerable. Or – you believe that you are put here to help others but no one can really help you. You are too self-sufficient.The irony is that the exact opposite is true. Asking for help shows strength, confidence and courage. When you reach out to others, you express a willingness to learn, and you are acknowledging that you are not mentally or intellectually superior.

You don’t ask questions.
Why?You are convinced that you are supposed to know everything and work hard to be the smartestperson in the room. You think this will make you look strong and endear others to you. Or – you are convinced that you will look stupid because it will confirm that you don’t know something.The irony is that the exact opposite is true. By not asking questions and eliciting guidance and advice from others, you isolate yourself from the team and limit opportunities to network and build professional bonds and support systems. When you ask questions, you invite others in and send the message that you value what others think. You also show that their contributions are important.

You don’t speak up.
Why?You are convinced that no one really wants to hear what you have to say. Or – your fear that you don’t actually have anything of value to add that anyone will care about.The irony is that the more often you remain silent and don’t contribute to the conversation, the more people will come to believe that you actually don’t add any value or don’t want to add any. Or worse, they come to believe that you are not interested to engage on the issue at all. Either way, you come off as distant, uninterested and not a team player. People begin to overlook you more and more for career opportunities or project work.

You excessively avoid conflict.

Why? You are convinced that your needs can and/or should be the ones that take a back seat to others and overly avoid or accommodate in deference to the needs of others. You do this even when the issue at hand is important to you and even after you have communicated your needs.

The irony is that when you choose avoidance or accommodating too often, you cause others to take less and less interest in meeting your needs. By always placing so little value on your own needs, you teach everyone else to do the same, and those around you respect you less and less.

You fear failure so much it causes you to resist change and/or appear inflexible.
Why? You are convinced that change means that you will have to learn new and different methods,approaches, processes and behaviors, and you lack confidence to adjust or learn what you need in order to be successful.After you master something, you are not as flexible to change because secretly you are not so confident that you can master the “new” something. You advocate for things staying the same because you don’t want to be found out. In your head you are thinking, “What if I can’t do it? What if I become less relevant? What if I fail?”

Ms. Allen sees many different ways that you can undermine your leadership and stall or kill your career. Having an inferiority complex tops the list because it causes you to think and behave in ways that are completely contrary to the kind of thoughts and behaviors that lead to task, job or career success.

The bottom line is that if we are doing things that send a message to others that we see ourselves as less than … generally inferior to others around us … we are inadvertently creating the situation that will serve to stymie the very progress that we go to work daily to achieve and advance. Doesn’t it seem like it would be a valuable ‘litmus’ test for all of us to take … even periodically? There’s nothing to lose … right?
Mike Dorman

Confronting Conflict At Work … Good Results are the Reward

conflict sigh

Conflict is not generally something we tend to rush toward. Rarely do we seek it out. Still, in working with individuals in virtually any type of organization, what is often expressed is unhappiness with their department, boss, co-workers or the whole company. And in exploring the things that underlie the negative feelings it is often related to situations that we don’t like or perhaps don’t agree with and yet, do not want to broach it for fear of creating conflict … one that we believe might even cost us our job.

How we confront conflict … or don’t … plays a big part in the outcome being positive or negative. Some of the negatives that are the result of conflict avoidance include:

Creating inner turmoil within ourselves. We think we can sweep and have swept it aside however it becomes akin to sweeping the dirt under the carpet and sooner or later we will trip over it. Not good!

Impacting workplace morale. With morale playing such a big part in the productivity within an organization, ignored conflict impacts the overall attitudes and morale of those involved and the results and goals intended to be achieved

Consuming a disproportionate amount of time. Being that time is money using it to deal with the fallout of unaddressed conflicts can easily throw any project, department or company far off of their intended and desired goals.

Creating stressful work relationships. Because so much of our work is often relianton others doing their portion successfully, when unaddressed conflicts are allowed to remain and fester, the resulting stress brings with it no positives.Regardless of it being or seeming difficult to address perceived conflict, there are clear-cut advantages that make pushing through the discomfort a worthwhile consideration. These include:

Disagreements with approaches or ideas can result in new and better ones. If you find yourself at odds with some proposed direction or method, whose to say your thoughts wrong? Being willing to present your perspective could, in fact, result in a better way. Left unsaid, you are depriving the others involved of what may well be the best.

A better form of problem solving. Addressing a conflict does solve problems when handled in the right way (see below).

Identification happens earlier and thus do the resolutions. Working in a business environment in which addressing conflicts is the norm means that they will be resolved sooner enabling forward movement in a positive way.

Productivity increases. Being that this is a key foundation of success and profitability is also an important reason to willingly confront conflicts.

There is a real key to successfully confronting and discussing a situation about which you

feel strongly … that is if you want to be listened to and understood. It’s simple … focus on the issue and not the person. To do otherwise is to bring about a halt to the conversation and the listening that is required for you to express yourself and be heard. Hopefully we can begin to view what we may have seen as a conflict in the past to the real opportunity it represents for ourselves, our job and ultimately to our happiness and satisfaction.
Mike Dorman

Finding Ways to Have Difficult Conversations at Work and the Payoff!

The Goal Changed and You Weren’t Told? Oops! Suddenly You’re On the Wrong Bus!

You Got Thrown Under the Bus? What Are You Going To Do About It?

Unintentionally Acting In Ways At Work That Reveal An Inferiority Complex

Confronting Conflict At Work … Good Results are the Reward

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