Blog - The Third Zone

Having Difficult Conversations At Work ~ Just Necessary!

One of the challenges often uncovered when working with an individual as a coach is some unresolved issue that has arisen in the past between this person and another. It could involve their boss, their customer or their co-worker. Regardless of the

relationship between them, the issue has never been addressed in a way that will rectify or provide explanation thus leaving at least one of them reeling of frustration and even anger.

What I’ve discovered is that the occurrence of whatever happened will continue to fester and be carried forward without a time limit. Thus, being unaddressed and unresolved, it impacts key and important working relationships, the ‘victim’s’ productivity and attitude. In the overall, it remains an ongoing thorn in the side of the one carrying this around. When this is uncovered

during my conversations with someone who is having such an experience I … and they … come to realize that …

Regardless of how they have rationalized the situation, it remains an irritant to them
Any attempts they feel they’ve made to address the issue have been unheard or unsuccessful
They have taken steps to minimize the involvement they have with the other person and this is awkward especially when the job requires that they cooperate to reach their goals

We tend to rationalize the reasons we haven’t or don’t want to confront a challenging situation and here are some of the key ones:

We fear that we could make things worse by raising the issue
We fear hearing things about ourselves that we don’t want to hear
We rationalize that we or the other person are going to come out of this feeling very bad and that could be even worse than it seems now

And yet … it becomes obvious to the affected person that in order for this to be resolved they are simply going to need to confront the issue as their only real hope of improving their uncomfortable situation. The question is how do they do this? It is a two-fold approach.

The first is to determine what one can do to prepare themselves to approach and enter into a communication that will lead to the very resolution they desire. Here are some key elements that will accomplish the right state of mind:

Become very clear as to what the true issue is that needs to be addressed
b

Accept the fact that the other person is going to have their own perspective of what has taken place and prepare ourselves to be both curious and interested in hearing this
Have a suggestion for a resolution that could make this issue go away
Be open to the other person having their own idea for what you can both do to avoid this in the future
Believe that you are going to own some aspect of the issue and willingly accept that the absolute goal of the conversation is to resolve the past doing what that might require

The second aspect of resolution is to have the needed conversation. As such allow these things to be your guide that will enhance the prospect of the success you want and need to have.

Outline the conversation you intend to have indicating the key points that relate your perspective. Use this only as your guide as it is unlikely that the conversation will flow exactly as you may envision
Establish a time to meet with the other person in a way that will encourage them to want to be involved rather than coming across as an attack or threat i.e. ‘There’s a something I’d like to discuss with you that will help us be more collectively successful” or “I would like to have a clearer understand of how you view a certain situation so that we can be more closely aligned in how we move forward together”.
Make certain that all of your points focus on the situation and NOT the person. Doing this you will avoid the other person feeling attacked. Fail to do this and it isa sure way to bring effective communication to a screeching halt
Seek out and acknowledge the view of the other person to let them know they have been heard and understood
With such an understanding, be willing to alter your own view if it makes sense
Be prepared to offer possible solutions that are based on the combination of your input and that of the other person’s.

The important message I want to convey is that I cannot recall a single incident wherein an unaddressed and unresolved conflict represents a positive to the impacted person. Some have tried to make light of it by joking around. Others have tried to focus on the work friendship they have had in the past. And because we are not generally mind readers, nothing is resolved and our frustration continues. With

thoughtful planning along with one’s determination to rid themselves of the discomfort/pain, we can put our issues to bed in one way or another. Chances are weighted heavily on the side of a positive outcome for all.
Mike Dorman

As ‘A Team Player’ Finding Yourself Taken Advantage Of At Work

Being a ‘team player’ is something often mentioned from the time we have our initial interview for just about any job we seek. It is definitely an important contributor to the success both desired and

achieved within an organization. What is puzzling to many however, is when and how their efforts to succeed as such seems to result in their realizing that they are being unfairly taken advantage of both by co-workers and management. It is often viewed a significant reason that many leave their job and go in search of one where their effort to be a successful team player is respected and valued for that alone.

Here are some traits of the valued team player:

Enthusiastic commitment to their specific job focus and the part it plays in the overall project
Recognizes the importance of fulfilling their responsibilities as it relates to the larger intended project and can be counted upon to do so reliably
Willingness to be wrong when there proves to be a better plan or approach to the goal
Demonstrates effective communication skills enabling all others to know where they and the tasks stand as well as providing their ideas for improving process or outcomes
Adaptable to needed changes that allows the person to easily incorporate them as the project moves forward toward completion
Sees oneself as a problem solver willing and able to actively work with others to eliminate and circumvent obstacles to the ultimate goal
Inclined to do more than is expected or actually required of them

Wait! Stop! This last trait seems to be a prelude wherein a ‘giver’ begins to feel like one taken advantage of. And although the transition is often subtle and evolves slowly, the awareness is uncomfortable, unpleasant and very demotivating. Here are some ways that just might indicate that you, in your willingness to go above and beyond, now finds you in such a place:

Your past demonstrated willingness to take on anything asked of you has become asituation wherein you are no longer asked. It is just presumed that you will.
You are not thanked in any way for your efforts to go above and beyond.
You are spending much of your time outside of any job description you thought defined your responsibilities.
You are doing the job previously handled by more than one person … without acknowledgement, a time-limit or compensation.
You find yourself on some form of a guilt trip if you want or need personal time off as you are expected to get the job done at work … relentlessly.

Are you seeing yourself in any of the above? As often, there is good news here. There are some things that you can actually do about it with positive results without feeling the need to leave the job and the organization.

Think about and determine your personal value to the organization. What do you bring to it that is needed to succeed? What do others including co-workers and management see as what you offer that is perhaps unique to it?
Identify and own what you personally bring to the organization and the specific job. This has nothing to do with being boastful. Rather is it feeling good about who you are and what you contribute that the organization needs.
Willingly make certain your leaders know and understand the value you have brought to the organization, department or project. Doing this helps them to realize how you can serve the end goals and allow them to see you in this light.
You are not competing to a personal win. Want respect? Then the best way to get it is to give it to others. Doing so publically is the best and enhances the valuable way you are seen as an important and contributing member of the effort.
Being a constant ‘yes’ person can take you in the wrong direction. Saying ‘no’ when it impacts your ability to get your own needed tasks completed reinforces the value and importance of what you are charged with doing.

I imagine that some of you are reading this and nodding your head in recognition of your own or other observed experiences of this nature. Of course, when we feel trapped because of where we find ourselves we can always look for another workplace believing that this next move will be

different. But will it? Probably not especially if we, by nature, are the giver always willing to go above and beyond. Perhaps it’s better to recognize our own tendencies and head the issue off by setting boundaries to what we will allow ourselves to do, learning to say no … nicely and more often and having conversations with leadership. Worth a try? I say it is as I promise success in doing so will have a large impact on our attitude and enthusiasm for the work we do.
Mike Dorman

References:
_{Joel Garfinkle: Career Advncmnt Blog: https://careeradvancementblog.com/positive-relationships-team-members/}
_{Alyse Kalish: The Muse Blog: https://www.themuse.com/advice/6-signs-taken-advantage-of-at-work}
_{Forbes: The Muse: https://www.forbes.com/sites/dailymuse/2015/08/07/6-ways-to-stop-being-taken-for-granted-at-work/#41d4e99e47be}

Tread Marks After Being Thrown Under the Bus – A Look To Be Avoided!

In the 6+ years of doing this blog the one topic that has garnered the greatest response, without a doubt, is the issue of being thrown under the bus at work. It is also a topic that is very often ‘googled’ as it turns out. Having that much wide-spread interest it seems only appropriate that this topic would become one for my next eBook. Therefore, today, I am excited to announcement the results of this effort …

BEING THROWN UNDER THE BUS
Why It Happens | Who Does It | How to Respond | How to Avoid

In business there have always been those who seem ready, willing, and able to throw someone under the bus. It is a form of bullying on the adult level, and there is nothing pleasant about being under that bus, either. It’s often painful and damaging. It has caused many to leave their job, retreat into a cocoon almost to a point of being reclusive and/or have the one thrown lose their energy and enthusiasm for the work they do and the organization for which they work. None of these reactions offer positives.

Regardless of the type of organization or business, there exists in each the tendency of some to throw others under the bus. It occurs both at times of an excess or scarce job availability. It has more to do with the individual inclined to use this as a means of their own advancement or a way to prevent others from advancing or being recognized for the work being done. It also has to do with a person wanting to avoid responsibility for their own failures and inadequacies.

This eBook is intended to explore all aspects of being thrown under the bus. It will address what this means, who within the organization is inclined to do it and who within the organization are likely targets. It will also address how one can successful emerge from such an occurrence as well as what one can do to avoid a repetition of being in this position in the future.

The areas of focus include:

The Meaning of Being Thrown Under the Bus
The Likely Ones Who Are Inclined to Do the Throwing
The Impact on the Individuals and the Organization Where Throwing Another Under the Bus Is Tolerated
Responding After Having Been Thrown Under the Bus … You Get To Choose
How to Minimize the Likelihood of Finding Yourself Under the Bus

There is no way to present the issue of being thrown under the bus as being anything positive in terms of the experience itself. Given that being sent there by another is something that is unfortunately common within the business world, there are definite things that can be done to proactively lessen the chance of one’s experiencing it. And to the extent that it happens, the way in which we respond and the amount of planning and effort that we are willing to put into it will actually serve to enhance and further our success.

My hope and intention is that in reading the full eBook you realize the power that you have as the one thrown by your understanding of why this happens, the characteristics of a person’s inclination or need to do this and how you can emerge victorious!
Click HERE to access the ePaper … Being Thrown Under the Bus
Mike Dorman

Is the Negotiating Style You’ve Witnessed in D.C. A Good Fit for You? You Have Choices.

Following the negotiations taking place in Washington D.C. for the past several weeks many with whom I work have been curious to understand what a good negotiation looks like. In particular they have become interested in what makes for the most successful style and approach in terms of reaching an agreement that they see as successful.

It’s a very interesting issue to consider because in so many ways and especially as related to our jobs, we have so many occasions to negotiate in order to achieve the direction we think something should go … or the salary we believe we should receive … or the position we desire to hold. As this has become a topic of coaching conversation recently I believe it to be something worthy of exploring for all of us.

ManagerDoor.com is an on-line organization that is a learning tool of relevant information for employees. In writing about negotiating they make these observations:

From awakening each day until we are again asleep our lives are filled with negotiations … be it navigating our way through traffic, asking for time off or a raise, or trying to coming to an agreement with our partners or children for something they or we want … we are in various states of negotiating.
Negotiating is a process that enables us to get what we want. It can be fast or can take a prolonged period of time.
Whereas some things for which we negotiate can be relatively simple and easy, others are critical as doing it right or wrong can have a big impact on us as an individual.
There are different styles of negotiating and although one may be more appropriate in a given case, using the wrong style can have a huge impact one on the outcome and the person doing it.

Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Killman have worked with many organizations in the area of conflict and the related resolution. As such they have identified five styles of resolution and involve negotiating to achieve whatever the intended goal that are widely accepted in the business world. These are:

Competing (I win – You lose)
This style of negotiation is best described as competitive. Negotiators using this style are looking out for their own needs. They use a variety of tactics to get what they want and their concern for the relationship is low.
Accommodating (I Lose – You Win)
This style of negotiation is all about the relationship and is the polar opposite of the Competing style. By giving everything to the other party one is hopeful that maybe in time they will do the same.
Compromising (I Lose / Win Some – You Lose/ Win Some)
The old adage ‘pick your battles’ applies here. This style values the relationship and acknowledges that there is a loss but it is better to compromise then completely lose. This style is common when the negotiating parties have a high level of trust between each other and there are time restrictions.
Collaborating (I Win – You Win)
Collaborative negotiators are innovators! They recognize that both parties have needs that must be met and take the time to find creative solutions to this common challenge.
Avoiding (I Lose – You Lose)
This style is a ‘passive aggressive style’. The user of this style is unassertive and uncooperative. They do not immediately pursue their own concerns or the other parties nor do they ever address the conflict. The adopters of this style won’t address the conflict yet they will seek ways of retribution.

All styles have advantages and risks. Sometimes one style may be more useful in certain situations than in others. In order to be the most effective negotiator, we must recognize our own tendency, assess as best as possible the counterpart’s style, and adjust our own to allow for smoother negotiations. While the collaborative style may not make sense in all negotiations, this mode can be especially effective with business situations because of the long-term nature of the relationships internally and externally, as well as the need for strong substantive negotiation outcomes.

As the above styles are generally accepted as the different ways to approach and conduct a negotiation there are also a choice of strategies. Chris Voss, the CEO of the Black Swan Group has identified them as such:

The Assertive is “win” oriented. Often direct and blunt to the point of being harsh. This type isgenerally lacking in empathy and sees time as money. They get big victories early on, but then burn people out. They ultimately drive people, relationships and opportunities away.
The Analyst is “win” oriented also, just not as “in-your-face”. They love data and detailed preparation. They view time as “as long as it takes to get it right”. They often seem cold and distant. They’re always prepared, or they won’t talk to you until they are. Their desire to prepare, not get overly rattled and think things through is an advantage.
The Accommodator is relationship oriented and the most likable. Being likeable is a great asset, needing to be liked is a great vulnerability. Voss quotes Stuart Diamond (author of Getting More) say people are six times more likely to make a deal with someone they like. This is no small edge.

Based on this information I’m not sure how I would classify the negotiations that have been and are continuing within our government in D.C. Of course we’re all individually hoping that things go as we would like them to go. And while we can’t have direct input to what happens, we can definitely use our observations to sensitize ourselves to the type of negotiation that we believe fits our own needs, personalities and style as well as assessing the other person with whom we are negotiating.

It appears that devoting some advance planning prior to launching a negotiation will have definite benefits In doing so we just may have increased the likelihood of our personally being successful in achieving whatever we pursue.
Mike Dorman

What’s the State of YOUR Union With Your Job?

By the time you are reading this those interested and who follow our government’s activities will have seen or at least heard about the president’s state of the Union address and the commentary from the

‘other side’ of the political spectrum. It let’s us in on an assessment of where we are and where we are headed as a country. And although we have a say via the ballot box every couple of years we must entrust where we are and where we are headed to those elected officials empowered to ‘run’ the business of governing this country.

That’s the USA. Yet what I became curious about is the value of assessing our own personal state of the union as it relates to us and, in particular, the jobs we have along with the work entrusted to and expected of us. It may not surprise many to realize that there are a significant number of people who go to work every Monday through Friday and simply fail to find a lot of pleasure in what they do. In fact, in coaching people with management or supervisory positions, it does surprise me, at least, to find so many who will candidly express their unhappiness with the likes of their work, the company and/or their co-workers. When asked why they seem so accepting of this state for themselves the responses I get are primarily these:

It is the money that gives me the life I want to live and that is the reason and necessity of why I work. Whether I like my job or not isn’t that important if it affords me to have the pleasures that I want to have.
There is nothing very exciting about the field I’m in and the nature of the work I do and therefore, I don’t expect it to be pleasurable or exciting. I knew what I was getting into when I picked this field and I’m good with that.
Where is it written that this thing called work is supposed to be fun? I work to earn the money that will enable me to have fun. Work is just that … work.

I’m not sure about you, however, when I hear these things my initial reaction is one of sadness and puzzlement. The sadness comes from believing that anyone is willing to settle for spending a third to a half of their waking hours doing something from which they get no direct pleasure or any real satisfaction. There is little doubt that if this is one’s view of their work hours their productivity, energy and enthusiasm are tremendously impacted … found at the lower end of the spectrum.

The puzzlement is derived from wondering why anyone would be willing to devote so much time working in an environment or doing a type of work that carries with it such negativity … almost as if they are resigned to this being their lot in life and not being deserving of anything better. The puzzle only becomes larger when one considers how today, with such a low rate of unemployment, chances are very good that another job is a good likelihood for those who are unhappy and unsatisfied with their current position.

To the extent I am successful in helping clients determine how they might turn their work and their job into a positive, becoming curious about it becomes step # 1 in enabling them to transform their outlook as related to the way they view these hours that make up such a large portion of their lives. Daniel Bortz as a contributor to Monster, the job search website, identified five things that one needs to have in order to be happy at work both in terms of what they do and where they do it as follows:

You need to feel accomplished
It is important that you know that what you are doing has a positive impact … on the project, department and/or company. If this isn’t clear then you must have conversations with those to whom you report to get that clarity and confirmation of the value of what you are doing.Ongoing check-ins is a way of maintaining this awareness.
You need positive reinforcement
Expressed appreciation for the work one does and the contribution to the overall success it makes isfuel to creating an ongoing desire to put forth the continual effort to do the very best one can. From some bosses this is free-flowing. From others it is not which simply means that it is dependent on us to go after it. Regardless, don’t deny the need for fuel and risk trying to run on empty.

You need to like your co-workers
Some might ask why this is important? I go to work and do my job and that’s what’s important isn’t it? The answer is sure, however, having good relationships with co-workers has shown to increase the likelihood of one being happy on and with their job by 2.5 times. Thus making the effort to create bonds with some co-workers by getting to know them and their interests inside and outside of the workplace has a real payoff in terms of the impact it has on your own satisfaction.

You need some level of autonomy
Knowing that you have some ability to make decisions as related to your particular work is proven to improve one’s happiness and enthusiasm for the job. Given the empowerment you have to do so allows you to feel the responsibility and ability to steer your own ship. Although this is not the norm in many work environments, to the extent one is determined to change their interpretation of ‘the job’ they can and should ask for this.

You need to be part of something that makes you proud
Feeling a sense of pride at various levels … the specific job you are working on … the overall organization and its’ culture … the importance of the work … these can all individually and collectively provide you with chest-thumping celebration. It makes you want to put out greater effort for the greater good.

Bortz concludes by saying that “Your job is so much more than a paycheck; it’s a place you go to improve your skill set, contribute to the greater good, and collaborate with other awesome people. If you get a sinking feeling whenever you think of your job, listen to your gut—it’s telling you something important that you should pay attention to.

So again I ask … What is the state of YOUR union with your job? I encourage all to give it the litmus test

and rather than settling because you lower your expectations of what a job should be and provide, change it either because you can successfully do so where you currently work or … go in search of a different organization wherein you can actually value getting to go to work every day and, by the way, earn the money that gives you the life you want to have.
Mike Dorman

Having Difficult Conversations At Work ~ Just Necessary!

As ‘A Team Player’ Finding Yourself Taken Advantage Of At Work

Tread Marks After Being Thrown Under the Bus – A Look To Be Avoided!

Is the Negotiating Style You’ve Witnessed in D.C. A Good Fit for You? You Have Choices.

What’s the State of YOUR Union With Your Job?

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