Blog - Page 3 of 32 - The Third Zone

Unintentionally Acting In Ways At Work That Reveal An Inferiority Complex

It is safe to say that all of us, especially when executing our work role, desire to demonstrate how capable we are. We realize that this and our contribution to the organization’s success will influence our personal success, growth and advancement. And yet, one puzzle that is rather frequently expressed is the reason

that the boss, the co-worker or our team member seems withdrawn from us. The result is our having a limited interaction and a true sense of involvement in what’s going on around us. In other words, what might we be doing that conveys an inferiority complex rather than a person who is confident and valued by others?

Certainly this is frustrating and comes to be seen as a handicap to achieving th

e very success and recognition that we strive to receive. Because this is an issue seen with regularity, it warranted some research as a means of identifying what are the things one might be doing to create the exact opposite reaction of others to us and thus, become a stumbling block to the collective and individual success goals we have?

Terina Allen of the Ardis Institute provided a good summary of behaviors that highlight rather than hide one’s insecurities. Doing them may just cause one to ‘seem’ inferior with the negative impact of stalling one’s career. They are as follows:

You offer help but never ask for it.
Why? Because you are convinced that this makes you look weak and are afraid of being vulnerable. Or – you believe that you are put here to help others but no one can really help you. You are too self-sufficient.The irony is that the exact opposite is true. Asking for help shows strength, confidence and courage. When you reach out to others, you express a willingness to learn, and you are acknowledging that you are not mentally or intellectually superior.

You don’t ask questions.
Why?You are convinced that you are supposed to know everything and work hard to be the smartestperson in the room. You think this will make you look strong and endear others to you. Or – you are convinced that you will look stupid because it will confirm that you don’t know something.The irony is that the exact opposite is true. By not asking questions and eliciting guidance and advice from others, you isolate yourself from the team and limit opportunities to network and build professional bonds and support systems. When you ask questions, you invite others in and send the message that you value what others think. You also show that their contributions are important.

You don’t speak up.
Why?You are convinced that no one really wants to hear what you have to say. Or – your fear that you don’t actually have anything of value to add that anyone will care about.The irony is that the more often you remain silent and don’t contribute to the conversation, the more people will come to believe that you actually don’t add any value or don’t want to add any. Or worse, they come to believe that you are not interested to engage on the issue at all. Either way, you come off as distant, uninterested and not a team player. People begin to overlook you more and more for career opportunities or project work.

You excessively avoid conflict.

Why? You are convinced that your needs can and/or should be the ones that take a back seat to others and overly avoid or accommodate in deference to the needs of others. You do this even when the issue at hand is important to you and even after you have communicated your needs.

The irony is that when you choose avoidance or accommodating too often, you cause others to take less and less interest in meeting your needs. By always placing so little value on your own needs, you teach everyone else to do the same, and those around you respect you less and less.

You fear failure so much it causes you to resist change and/or appear inflexible.
Why? You are convinced that change means that you will have to learn new and different methods,approaches, processes and behaviors, and you lack confidence to adjust or learn what you need in order to be successful.After you master something, you are not as flexible to change because secretly you are not so confident that you can master the “new” something. You advocate for things staying the same because you don’t want to be found out. In your head you are thinking, “What if I can’t do it? What if I become less relevant? What if I fail?”

Ms. Allen sees many different ways that you can undermine your leadership and stall or kill your career. Having an inferiority complex tops the list because it causes you to think and behave in ways that are completely contrary to the kind of thoughts and behaviors that lead to task, job or career success.

The bottom line is that if we are doing things that send a message to others that we see ourselves as less than … generally inferior to others around us … we are inadvertently creating the situation that will serve to stymie the very progress that we go to work daily to achieve and advance. Doesn’t it seem like it would be a valuable ‘litmus’ test for all of us to take … even periodically? There’s nothing to lose … right?
Mike Dorman

Confronting Conflict At Work … Good Results are the Reward

Conflict is not generally something we tend to rush toward. Rarely do we seek it out. Still, in working with individuals in virtually any type of organization, what is often expressed is unhappiness with their department, boss, co-workers or the whole company. And in exploring the things that underlie the negative feelings it is often related to situations that we don’t like or perhaps don’t agree with and yet, do not want to broach it for fear of creating conflict … one that we believe might even cost us our job.

How we confront conflict … or don’t … plays a big part in the outcome being positive or negative. Some of the negatives that are the result of conflict avoidance include:

Creating inner turmoil within ourselves. We think we can sweep and have swept it aside however it becomes akin to sweeping the dirt under the carpet and sooner or later we will trip over it. Not good!

Impacting workplace morale. With morale playing such a big part in the productivity within an organization, ignored conflict impacts the overall attitudes and morale of those involved and the results and goals intended to be achieved

Consuming a disproportionate amount of time. Being that time is money using it to deal with the fallout of unaddressed conflicts can easily throw any project, department or company far off of their intended and desired goals.

Creating stressful work relationships. Because so much of our work is often relianton others doing their portion successfully, when unaddressed conflicts are allowed to remain and fester, the resulting stress brings with it no positives.Regardless of it being or seeming difficult to address perceived conflict, there are clear-cut advantages that make pushing through the discomfort a worthwhile consideration. These include:

Disagreements with approaches or ideas can result in new and better ones. If you find yourself at odds with some proposed direction or method, whose to say your thoughts wrong? Being willing to present your perspective could, in fact, result in a better way. Left unsaid, you are depriving the others involved of what may well be the best.

A better form of problem solving. Addressing a conflict does solve problems when handled in the right way (see below).

Identification happens earlier and thus do the resolutions. Working in a business environment in which addressing conflicts is the norm means that they will be resolved sooner enabling forward movement in a positive way.

Productivity increases. Being that this is a key foundation of success and profitability is also an important reason to willingly confront conflicts.

There is a real key to successfully confronting and discussing a situation about which you

feel strongly … that is if you want to be listened to and understood. It’s simple … focus on the issue and not the person. To do otherwise is to bring about a halt to the conversation and the listening that is required for you to express yourself and be heard. Hopefully we can begin to view what we may have seen as a conflict in the past to the real opportunity it represents for ourselves, our job and ultimately to our happiness and satisfaction.
Mike Dorman

Our Inability to Make Decisions … The Easier Path With Negative Results

One of the more prevalent issues that I encounter in working with a coaching client … individual or team … is an inability or unwillingness to make a decision. I’m not talking about something as potentially earth-shaking as ‘should I leave my job?’ or ‘should I change my field of work?’ I’m referring often to the most basic decisions that one needs to make to move forward with the task at hand for themselves or as a leader of others.

John Sammarco of Creative Business Decisions has summarized the reasons and the impact of being unable to make a decision. They fall into any of several categories. These are …

Being unable to commit: This can be because they see no great option or are fearful of making the wrong choice

Acknowledging that you just don’t know how: Making decisions is a process we go through that eventually leads us to making the best and hopefully right decision. And this is a learned talent perfected by practice and the related growth

Being overwhelmed: Identifying and evaluating options is something that decision making entails. Breaking down the components of the decision to be made makes it clearer and manageable. If we simply view the decision in its’ entirely it appears very large and somewhat unmanageable. This overwhelmed is the result.

Remaining objective in decision making: There are times when the ultimate decision that is or needs to be made impacts us personally and thus play with our need to be impartial. Giving into our own bias can easily distort our decision and results in flaws.

Pure Exhaustion from the process of making the right decision: It has involved such intense exploration and research then when finally at the point of making the decision all of the starch is gone and thus no decision is made.

Okay … so it’s pretty easy to understand how being stymied in the decision making process is anything but ideal. And what makes it very worthy of thinking about as it relates to us individually is various impacts that this ‘handicap’ can have on others.

Significant impact on the productivity of our own or those we lead and the related costs of stagnation and/or wasted time

Greatly impacts morale of others and with this the creation of a depressed environment

Results in stagnation of the progress expected and anticipated and this brings with it a downturn in morale and effort

Appearing to be partial to one idea over another creates a perception of bias and favoritism and who wants to participate in an environment wherein they don’t feel as if they have a voice that is wanted or needed?

Actually encourages others to leave the department, team or company taking with them the knowledge and contribution they could be making. This is perhaps the biggest threat to any effort as it has the potential of taking the desired goal off track with the need to begin anew.

Is there good news in all of this? Of course there is and primarily because, as Sammarco indicates, decision-making skills can be learned, practiced and refined. It only requires that we acknowledge that we need to improve at the same time we recognize the impact that poor decision-making can and perhaps is having on our success in many ways.

On occasion I have often referred to this quote: “In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.” ~ Theodore Roosevelt. To the extent we buy into this thinking we are on the way to becoming more masterful as decision-makers and doing what we need to do the get there!
Mike Dorman

Resisting The Very Change We Want

“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most adaptable to change” – Charles Darwin

It is not infrequently that I meet a client who expresses their unhappiness with their job in the overall or the work that they are responsible for doing day to day. And although they readily admit their unhappiness, when I inquire as to why they don’t make a change that they will find more fulfilling and satisfying I hear many excuses like these:

- I’m not happy AND … I don’t know what else I’d do
- I don’t know that I have the skills to do what I’d really like to be doing
- I don’t think anyone would give me a chance to move into the work I enjoy
- I’m afraid to quit this job. I need the money and don’t have enough to carry me over
- Being unhappy here seems better than taking the risk of making a change

I’m lacking the motivation and enthusiasm for making a change at the moment

What these tend to create is a comfort zone to stay where we are and eventually we find ourselves truly stuck. Not necessarily happy … simply stuck. The first step to do something about this is to acknowledge and admit this as our situation. True, it’s willingly taking ourselves into an uncomfortable place and at the same time it is a critical step to bringing about the change we want.

To the extent that we can admit that we are caught in a web resistant to make a change there are things that you we can do to confront it and move beyond. Some of these are below and perhaps giving yourself a litmus test to determine what, if anything, you have going on that might be holding you back from the movement your happiness and fulfillment is dependent upon.

Truly embracing that change is inevitable all around us. Standing firm in a situation can truly become more and more challenging especially as the things we can’t control continue to change. To the extent that we really want something different requires that we not only accept that change happens … it actually gives us reason and license to actually create it.
Accept the situation you’re in … do NOT become resigned to it. There’s a big difference here. Accepting the situation we’re in is just being factual and allows us to recognize our unhappiness and the desire to change it. Being resigned to it carries with it a sense of hopelessness and there is nothing positive in doing so. In fact, it furthers the feeling of stuck without options
Be willing to intentionally take yourself out of your comfort zone. We know that change of any sort is not always comfortable. And yet we also know that to resist change is to accept our situation as it is regardless of how much we don’t like it. Thus, willingly embracing it is what takes us into an arena of discovery and exploration … and potentially greater happiness and satisfaction.
Acknowledge and silence the inner voices that often work against changes that we really want. These voices … or our inside team … often do not like change … period. They tend to hijack the intentions that we have by instilling doubts as to the wisdom of making changes that we know we want to make. Without realizing it, they have suddenly redirected our thinking to one of complacency … even if it’s not our best path. To the extent we can recognize this happening we can reclaim control and make it easier to pursue the path that you really want to make.
Be willing to make changes without the fear of failing. There are no guarantees that anything and everything we do or have ever done includes guaranteed success. Still we have pushed through the challenges because at the end is something we really want … something that will make us happy and feel fulfilled. Wouldn’t this apply to the work we do and the career we have?
If you don’t make a change … what is the best outcome you can expect? How will limiting yourself by staying in the same situation (work in this case) affect your life … your income … your sense of accomplishment? When you determine this, how happy do you expect you will be?
What are you waiting for? What makes putting off the desired change a value? What is going to make doing this ‘tomorrow’ easier or better in any way?

When I enter into a discussion with a client about this very topic, often they have never realized they were resisting taking the ‘change step’. Rather they had devised much rationale as to why they were doing what they did. I do believe that the challenge we all have is to catch ourselves staying in a circumstance that is not to our liking … just because in some ways it seems like the right thing to do … or our only real choice. In other words … we feel trapped. Does it seem like a good exercise would be to do a form of self-analysis as a means of determining if you are stuck in someplace that you really don’t want to be? Go on … take the dare!

Theodore Roosevelt said … “In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.” Obviously we would want to avoid this third option.
Mike Dorman

One Boss’s View: How One Defines Their Job Means Success … or Not!

I have often asked coaching clients to list the detailed aspects of the job they were hired to do in the organization. The response is always interesting for various reasons.

Some are very able to provide a highly detailed list of their job expectations and dedicate themselves to being able to get it all done
Some can respond in very general terms and realize that they don’t have a detailed understanding of all aspects of the work they are charged with handling.
Still others see their value as being their flexibility in being able to do anything thrown at them and thus, don’t recognize any real structure to the expectations.

Regardless of how one views their job responsibilities, for that matter, as long as those in positions to manage them are good with how one executes the job, it doesn’t necessarily create any issues/problems. However, there is one ‘responsibility’ of all that is worthy of consideration.

Perhaps you know of Mark Cuban. If you’re a basketball fan you know that he is the owner of the Dallas

Mavericks. If you follow the list of billionaires, you have seen/heard his name. And if you are a fan of TV’s ‘Shark Tank’ investment show you know that he spends a lot of money investing in businesses in which he believes. Yet regardless of how you know him, he is a very successful business person and judges the value of people within his organization on the basis of one attribute.

“The people that tend to work for me a long time, not only are smart, not only are driven, not only are learners, but they understand that the greatest value you can offer a boss is to reduce their stress.” As Cuban sees it that is the role they have.

How simple and how interesting. And yet I have never heard one person, regardless of their position, include this ‘responsibility’ … reducing the boss’s stress … on their list. And in fact, in following Mark Cuban, this is the one thing that determines one’s longevity in his organization.

It has been determined stressed workers , bosses or not, are also more likely to make errors, arrive to work late and miss deadlines. Plus, they can spread their stressful feelings to co-workers. With all this in mind, it makes sense that Cuban seeks employees who can make his life easier and alleviate some of that day-to-day tension. “Anybody who reduces my stress becomes invaluable to me,” he says. “I never want to get rid of them.” He adds that the employees who “tend to think that they are invaluable are typically the ones who create the most stress, by creating firestorms and creating drama and making things more difficult for me.”

To win over your boss and show that you’re a valuable employee, Cuban suggests following the three Ws: Always communicate …

What you’re doing
Why you’re doing it
When it will be done

Summing up his philosophy, the billionaire offers employees this simple piece of advice: “If you are a stress reducer, you’re going to do well. If you’re a drama creator, you’re not going to do well.”

There are numerous articles written about how a leader can reduce stress for the employee. This is a great goal. At the same time, thinking of your job as doing it thoroughly so as to keep the boss out of it absolutely will minimize any stress that comes from the boss’s feeling the need to jump in to do any part of your job. It’s important that we all know and understand the responsibilities that go with our positions. Being driven by the intention of reducing stress for our leader means that we will do all that we are both expected to and capable of doing leaving the boss free to drive the organization to its’ intended destination or their job.

In my own travel company each person had a job description that detailed the work they were expected to do. And at the bottom of each one, it ended with “and anything else that is requested of you for the benefit of the organization”. I can now see that it should have said “and anything you can do to reduce stress for the boss”. Do you see any opportunities when you add this to your known responsibilities? Just asking.
Mike Dorman

Unintentionally Acting In Ways At Work That Reveal An Inferiority Complex

Confronting Conflict At Work … Good Results are the Reward

Our Inability to Make Decisions … The Easier Path With Negative Results

Resisting The Very Change We Want

One Boss’s View: How One Defines Their Job Means Success … or Not!

Contact

Subscribe to our newsletter