One of the challenges often uncovered when working with an individual as a coach is some unresolved issue that has arisen in the past between this person and another.  It could involve their boss, their customer or their co-worker.  Regardless of the

relationship between them, the issue has never been addressed in a way that will rectify or provide explanation thus leaving at least one of them reeling of frustration and even anger. 

What I’ve discovered is that the occurrence of whatever happened will continue to fester and be carried forward without a time limit.  Thus, being unaddressed and unresolved, it impacts key and important working relationships, the ‘victim’s’ productivity and attitude.  In the overall, it remains an ongoing thorn in the side of the one carrying this around.  When this is uncovered

during my conversations with someone who is having such an experience I … and they … come to realize that …

We tend to rationalize the reasons we haven’t or don’t want to confront a challenging situation and here are some of the key ones:

• We fear that we could make things worse by raising the issue
• We fear hearing things about ourselves that we don’t want to hear
• We rationalize that we or the other person are going to come out of this feeling very bad and that could be even worse than it seems now

And yet … it becomes obvious to the affected person that in order for this to be resolved they are simply going to need to confront the issue as their only real hope of improving their uncomfortable situation.  The question is how do they do this?  It is a two-fold approach. 

The first is to determine what one can do to prepare themselves to approach and enter into a communication that will lead to the very resolution they desire.  Here are some key elements that will accomplish the right state of mind:

1. Become very clear as to what the true issue is that needs to be addressed

2. 

   Accept the fact that the other person is going to have their own perspective of what has taken place and prepare ourselves to be both curious and interested in hearing this

3. Have a suggestion for a resolution that could make this issue go away
4. Be open to the other person having their own idea for what you can both do to avoid this in the future
5. Believe that you are going to own some aspect of the issue and willingly accept that the absolute goal of the conversation is to resolve the past doing what that might require

The second aspect of resolution is to have the needed conversation.  As such allow these things to be your guide that will enhance the prospect of the success you want and need to have.

1. Outline the conversation you intend to have indicating the key points that relate your perspective. Use this only as your guide as it is unlikely that the conversation will flow exactly as you may envision
2. Establish a time to meet with the other person in a way that will encourage them to want to be involved rather than coming across as an attack or threat i.e. ‘There’s a something I’d like to discuss with you that will help us be more collectively successful” or “I would like to have a clearer understand of how you view a certain situation so that we can be more closely aligned in how we move forward together”.
3. Make certain that all of your points focus on the situation and NOT the person. Doing this you will avoid the other person feeling attacked.  Fail to do this and it isa sure way to bring effective communication to a screeching halt
4. Seek out and acknowledge the view of the other person to let them know they have been heard and understood
5. With such an understanding, be willing to alter your own view if it makes sense
6. Be prepared to offer possible solutions that are based on the combination of your input and that of the other person’s.

The important message I want to convey is that I cannot recall a single incident wherein an unaddressed and unresolved conflict represents a positive to the impacted person.  Some have tried to make light of it by joking around.  Others have tried to focus on the work friendship they have had in the past.  And because we are not generally mind readers, nothing is resolved and our frustration continues.  With

thoughtful planning along with one’s determination to rid themselves of the discomfort/pain, we can put our issues to bed in one way or another.  Chances are weighted heavily on the side of a positive outcome for all.
Mike Dorman

Being a ‘team player’ is something often mentioned from the time we have our initial interview for just about any job we seek.  It is definitely an important contributor to the success both desired and

achieved within an organization.  What is puzzling to many however, is when and how their efforts to succeed as such seems to result in their realizing that they are being unfairly taken advantage of both by co-workers and management.  It is often viewed a significant reason that many leave their job and go in search of one where their effort to be a successful team player is respected and valued for that alone.

Here are some traits of the valued team player:

Wait!  Stop!  This last trait seems to be a prelude wherein a ‘giver’ begins to feel like one taken advantage of.  And although the transition is often subtle and evolves slowly, the awareness is uncomfortable, unpleasant and very demotivating.  Here are some ways that just might indicate that you, in your willingness to go above and beyond, now finds you in such a place:

• Your past demonstrated willingness to take on anything asked of you has become asituation wherein you are no longer asked. It is just presumed that you will.
• You are not thanked in any way for your efforts to go above and beyond.
• You are spending much of your time outside of any job description you thought defined your responsibilities.
• You are doing the job previously handled by more than one person … without acknowledgement, a time-limit or compensation.
• You find yourself on some form of a guilt trip if you want or need personal time off as you are expected to get the job done at work … relentlessly.

Are you seeing yourself in any of the above?  As often, there is good news here.  There are some things that you can actually do about it with positive results without feeling the need to leave the job and the organization.

1. Think about and determine your personal value to the organization. What do you bring to it that is needed to succeed?  What do others including co-workers and management see as what you offer that is perhaps unique to it?
   
2. Identify and own what you personally bring to the organization and the specific job. This has nothing to do with being boastful.  Rather is it feeling good about who you are and what you contribute that the organization needs.
3. Willingly make certain your leaders know and understand the value you have brought to the organization, department or project. Doing this helps them to realize how you can serve the end goals and allow them to see you in this light.
4. You are not competing to a personal win. Want respect? Then the best way to get it is to give it to others.  Doing so publically is the best and enhances the valuable way you are seen as an important and contributing member of the effort.
5. Being a constant ‘yes’ person can take you in the wrong direction. Saying ‘no’ when it impacts your ability to get your own needed tasks completed reinforces the value and importance of what you are charged with doing.

I imagine that some of you are reading this and nodding your head in recognition of your own or other observed experiences of this nature.  Of course, when we feel trapped because of where we find ourselves we can always look for another workplace believing that this next move will be

different.  But will it?  Probably not especially if we, by nature, are the giver always willing to go above and beyond.  Perhaps it’s better to recognize our own tendencies and head the issue off by setting boundaries to what we will allow ourselves to do, learning to say no … nicely and more often and having conversations with leadership.  Worth a try?  I say it is as I promise success in doing so will have a large impact on our attitude and enthusiasm for the work we do.
Mike Dorman

References:
_{Joel Garfinkle: Career Advncmnt Blog: https://careeradvancementblog.com/positive-relationships-team-members/
Alyse Kalish: The Muse Blog: https://www.themuse.com/advice/6-signs-taken-advantage-of-at-work
Forbes: The Muse: https://www.forbes.com/sites/dailymuse/2015/08/07/6-ways-to-stop-being-taken-for-granted-at-work/#41d4e99e47be}

In the 6+ years of doing this blog the one topic that has garnered the greatest response, without a doubt, is the issue of being thrown under the bus at work.  It is also a topic that is very often ‘googled’ as it turns out.  Having that much wide-spread interest it seems only appropriate that this topic would become one for my next eBook.  Therefore, today, I am excited to announcement the results of this effort …

 

 BEING THROWN UNDER THE BUS
Why It Happens | Who Does It | How to Respond | How to Avoid

In business there have always been those who seem ready, willing, and able to throw someone under the bus. It is a form of bullying on the adult level, and there is nothing pleasant about being under that bus, either. It’s often painful and damaging. It has caused many to leave their job, retreat into a cocoon almost to a point of being reclusive and/or have the one thrown lose their energy and enthusiasm for the work they do and the organization for which they work. None of these reactions offer positives.

By the time you are reading this those interested and who follow our government’s activities will have seen or at least heard about the president’s state of the Union address and the commentary from the

‘other side’ of the political spectrum.  It let’s us in on an assessment of where we are and where we are headed as a country.  And although we have a say via the ballot box every couple of years we must entrust where we are and where we are headed to those elected officials empowered to ‘run’ the business of governing this country.

That’s the USA.  Yet what I became curious about is the value of assessing our own personal state of the union as it relates to us and, in particular, the jobs we have along with the work entrusted to and expected of us.  It may not surprise many to realize that there are a significant number of people who go to work every Monday through Friday and simply fail to find a lot of pleasure in what they do.  In fact, in coaching people with management or supervisory positions, it does surprise me, at least, to find so many who will candidly express their unhappiness with the likes of their work, the company and/or their co-workers.  When asked why they seem so accepting of this state for themselves the responses I get are primarily these: