1. A situation triggers someone – pushes their “buttons”. A trigger can be a word, attitude or behavior that sets them off (i.e. makes them angry, frustrated, embarrassed or afraid).
2. Underneath every trigger is a value, a need, or part of their identity that is threatened or undermined. (For example, if they perceive someone to be arrogant and they value respect, they may be triggered in the presence of an arrogant person because they believe they are being disrespected.)
3. When this happens, counter-productive thoughts and assumptions begin to run rampant and the conflict is full blown in their mind. They may think such thoughts as “He thinks I’m stupid, or she has no respect for me, or he wants me to fail, or she thinks she’s better than me….”  The uglier the thoughts the greater the internal impact and the more conflicted they become.
4. Conflicts become a dispute when a line is crossed and the one triggered no longer is silent about the situation. Usually, words are exchanged or an unsavory behavior erupts and another person or persons become(s) involved.
5. At this point, reactions and consequences ensue and it can be plain and simply nasty! A manager’s time is spent mediating and negotiating often with little resolution or change. Depending upon the severity of the situation, such things as litigation or job termination may result. Whatever, the consequences – small or big – the outcomes are loss of time, productivity, and money.

Research shows that 60-80% of all difficulties in organizations stem from strained relationships between employees, not from deficits in individual employee’s skill or motivation.2 Workplace conflict is real and costly.

A key step to resolving the conflict is to work to discover what values of the people involved have been tromped upon and in what ways.  Sometimes, after such a discovery and recognizing that the other person has been offended through their value system, that person feels as if through the acknowledgement of how they were offended, they are willing to move forward and resolve the conflict.  Although disagreement may remain between the people involved in the conflict because they truly have different ways to view the issue at hand, there will be significant benefits in the discovery, recognition, and understanding of these differences.  It’s a form of ‘agreeing to disagree’, respecting that and going forward with a new understanding.

In the most challenging situations effective intervention and conflict management may require or be greatly helped through one- on-one coaching to get to the root of the problem in a safe, objective environment. With a trained conflict coach, the precipitating event can be deconstructed thus; the triggered-one gains insights and knowledge that will be invaluable when constructing new behaviors, communication skills and competencies to deal more effectively with interpersonal conflicts.

When looking for a place to become more efficient in the use of time, conflict management and resolution often … perhaps too often … offers significant gains.